I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They took my balls.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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