remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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