Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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