Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
