we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
