I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
