I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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