My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
