If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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