awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
