I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
