life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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