Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Of course I have a pirate flag
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
