Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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