I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize