is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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