There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
