Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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