The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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