remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
