The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
