piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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