I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
