come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
