he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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