I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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