HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
