Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he told me I talked like a deaf person
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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