Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I cockslap morals
no, he came in my armpit
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
