I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
