Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
