can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
