So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
