I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
