today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
