mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
