somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
