I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
