Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
