Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
