halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
