I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
