apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
