You smell like a Billy Joel song
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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