I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
