I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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