so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize