I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
