remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
