Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
