i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize