i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
