This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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