I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
