I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
