Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
