Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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