I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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