I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
